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Bakken: Another take on the news

No news is good news.

Most news is bad news.

And, news happens when man bites dog, not when dog bites man.

There's a fourth way of defining news. My way. Read on.

News item: North Dakota flares $3.6 million worth of natural gas each day.

My take: That's the biggest waste of money since Dave Hakstol paid for smiling lessons.

News item: Property taxes go down for Minnesotans.

My take: They went down because taxes on the wealthy and smokers went up, not because oil is spewing out of every ground pore like their incredibly lucky neighbors to the west.

News item: Miley Cyrus, age 20, turns into a wild child.

My take: Hannah Montana would not approve.

News item: Grand Forks City Council member Terry Bjerke votes with the majority.

My take: Pass the smelling salts.

News item: Minnesota Twins continue their season's fade.

My take: Minnesota Twins continue their 21st Century-long fade.

News item: North Dakota college presidents receive much better job reviews than those issued earlier by ousted chancellor Hamid Shirvani.

My take: As near as I can tell, the only positive review ever given by Hamid Shirvani was a review of Hamid Shirvani.

News item: A crowd gathers to watch the demolition of the first Ralph Engelstad Arena.

My take: Only in Grand Forks would people congregate to watch a wrecking ball smash into a nondescript structure that hasn't held a college hockey game for 12 years.

News item: State officials are inviting the public to submit logo designs for the North Dakota 125th anniversary celebration in 2014.

My take: I'm predicting most in-state submissions will include buffalo and oil rigs while out-of-state submissions will include images of Mount Rushmore.

News item: New York Mills, Minn., residents complained to their City Council that their police officers were too strict with lawbreakers.

My take: How dare those cops enforce the law!

News item: New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner is back to sending lewd Twitter photos of his private parts to other women.

My take: Is it the devil -- or his unfortunate name -- that makes him do it?

Bakken is a humor columnist from the Grand Forks Herald, who writes twice weekly for Forum News Service.