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Jackie Hope: Solutions for resolutions

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By Jackie Hope / Our Town Columnist

Buh-bye 2013; helloooo New Year!

OK, let’s be honest here. Nobody but nobody, keeps New Year’s resolutions for much longer than one day.

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The closest you ever come to keeping them is if you write them down, and keep the paper they are written on. And after a lifetime of keeping those papers with resolutions written on them, whatcha got?

Your family gives you the label of “hoarder,” hamsters are envious of your stashing abilities, and you are on the fire department’s “most likely to spontaneously combust” list. That’s what you got.

So in the interest of divesting ourselves of our hordes of resolutions and purging our hoarding instincts, let’s toss out some of those un-keepable little promises.

Who has resolved to lose weight? Show of hands here, people. Yeah, just about everybody has rolled with that one. Some of us have donuted with it, too.

You know how it is: you lose a few pounds, you celebrate the loss and sooner or later it comes back and gets you in the end. And a few spots in the middle, too. Or you lose weight, then you find some weight that someone else lost and you wind up keeping it and making it your own. See, love handles are sorta like a stray cat: if you feed them and offer them a comfortable home, you’ll never get rid of them.

Wouldn’t it be more sensible to resolve, “I will not weigh more than 250 pounds”? And anybody who is, like, 5-foot-10 or more could up the ante to 300. Now that’s a resolution we can get behind, big! Or get a big behind. Whatever.

We’ve all resolved, at some time or other, to eat healthier, too. Doctors recently reported that eating nuts helps you stay healthy and live longer. Pistachios are nuts. Ben & Jerry’s makes Pistachio Pistachio, right? And chocolate is a nut, too. That’s what I’m talkin’ about! More protein? How about a Cadbury egg? Fruit is healthy and jelly is made from fruit. Hey, so are jelly beans! They could count as both a fruit and a veggie. Potatoes are veggies, so that means potato chips are thinly-sliced veggies, and thin is “in.”

Tomatoes are sorta veggies, and pizza sauce is super-condensed tomatoes, with ’shrooms, so pizza is like a big multi-vitamin. Yeah, this is a resolution that’s easy to swallow.

Ever resolved to exercise more? That is a real stretch for most people. Who actually exercises along with workout videos? Heck, I like to enjoy some Ben & Jerry’s while watching vintage Jane Fonda workouts, don’t you? And buying a home gym is not practical, because you’ll put it in your basement, near your pantry. Near your pantry, which has Twinkies and Oreos. Fitness centers are a fab idea, but you have to change your shoes in order to walk out onto the workout floor.

And changing shoes is such a chore, with bending over and tying those laces and all. Why not resolve, instead, to walk? You could do laps from the big box store’s bakery, all the way to the Ben & Jerry’s cooler, then back again. Feel the burn!

And who’s resolved to stop using bad language? Darn straight! Oh, uh, well, um, you know how it is.

Instead of resolutions, why don’t we all make Ain’t Gonnas?

Ain’t Gonna listen excessively to Justin Bieber music.

Ain’t Gonna snore in church.

Ain’t Gonna cut in line at the next blood drive, and maybe not at the DMV.

Ain’t Gonna tailgate a garbage truck, street sweeper or snow plow.

Ain’t Gonna sample grapes at the supermarket — not even those big, fat green ones.

Ain’t gonna buy any of those “As Seen On TV” products.

Ain’t Gonna read directions, ask for directions or ever visit MapQuest for directions except in an emergency — like needing to find a Ben & Jerry’s outlet.

And I Ain’t Gonna cheer for the Packers, no way, no how!

Let’s all resolve to ... no, wait, not resolve — let’s all agree that we ain’t gonna make any more New Year’s resolutions. That one’s a keeper!

Hope is a humor columnist for The Dickinson Press and The Drill. She writes about everyday life, living in the Oil Patch and Twinkies.

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