Alive after trying microwavable spicy pork rinds

Talk about it

Of all the things one should not put in a microwave — metal objects, the cat or fresh halibut like my dorkus friend, Bob, did with the stuff I brought him from Alaska — it never dawned on me someone would try to put pork rinds in the microwave. But the scientists at Lowrey’s have done it. After all, we did put a man on the moon. This was just a matter of time. The Russians must be crushed.

I saw them at the checkout counter at Ashley Super Valu — Microwave Pork Rinds. To their credit, even as they boasted on the package that these pork rinds are “Hot & Crispy” as well as “Hot & Spicy” and contain only “one carb per serving,” nowhere did they put the word “gourmet” like other makers of microwavable products do, and I give them credit for that. Let’s face it, anything that goes in a microwave does not come out gourmet. Unless you stuff Julia Child in there, then, technically it would.

These pork rinds are inspected and passed by the Department of Agriculture, the same people who inspect your tripe and chicken liver, which shakes my confidence in the whole process. I would feel a little better if the Food and Drug Administration and possibly even the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, were involved.

The Spanish name for pork rinds is chicharrones, which translated means, “I’ll bet you a peso I can get the gringo to eat deep fried pork fat.”

My plan was to actually test these out first thing in the morning, but then I got to thinking, what if they kill me? I’ll be lying there choking on a pork rind with a column to do. And, even if the ambulance gets here on time, my health insurance company won’t cover it because they will claim it was a preexisting condition.

So I decided to write everything but the last paragraph and then try them. This will also build tension during the column, because you won’t know until the end whether I survive the pork rinds or not. I can feel the tension building already. Wait! That’s a cramp.

The good thing is, if you read the package, there are only 180 calories in the bag, 9 percent of the daily requirement of fat and 6 percent of cholesterol. This is for the whole bag — not a serving, of which there are presumably three. If you’re feeding anorexic movie stars, three could share this package, but not in the real world. Still, less than 200 calories per bag — that’s not bad for processed pork fat.

I know legend has it Indians used every part of the buffalo, but my money is on the pig. Ever hear of pickled buffalo hocks? Me, neither. And everyone knows you grind up the lips and snout to make hot dogs. I defy you to find buffalo snout hotdogs. I rest my case. I also have to throw up.

Historians will remember pork rinds were the favorite food of President George Herbert Walker Bush, who simultaneously shunned broccoli. Those were dark days for the broccoli industry. Many found themselves homeless, living under bridges, forced to eat expired Moon Pies.

Actually, I found it refreshing to have a president who revolted against health food. Later, his son revolted against intellect. He doesn’t get credit for it, but it was under the first President Bush that some mad scientist decided to deep fry cauliflower. That was pure evil, and oh, so good. Like when your mom puts brown sugar and marshmallows on sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving.

Now, the moment of truth has come. I have to microwave my pork rinds. Just in case these are the last words I ever write, I want to get something off my chest. Mom, it was me who broke the living room lamp when we were throwing the football around.

(Long tension-filled silence.)

Hey! These are pretty good! When they come out of the microwave they snap, crackle and pop like Rice Krispies for quite a while, but man, I can work with these. And at less than 200 calories a bag, it’s almost like eating an apple for breakfast. I’ll go out on a limb here, and say this is the best fried pork fat I have ever tasted.

Tags: opinion, columns, tony, bender, pork, rinds