Coffee controls the weather
I know why we have had such a cold, late spring. It is all because of me.
See, last Thanksgiving my beloved children brought me a CARE package from Costco in Helena. Costco is their major provider for mass quantities of everything from giant cheddar cheeses to flannel shirts. I know that for a fact, because when I visited them in Helena they took me to Costco, and I bought both a cheddar cheese and a flannel shirt.
My kids have an addiction to Costco. They got their wedding invitations and their wedding photo albums from Costco. If Costco sold kittens, they would be a two-cat household by now. As it is, they give Poe the Cat their Costco boxes to play with. If it fits, she sits.
Anyway, last Thanksgiving I got my share of Costco goodies, hand delivered from Helena. Mass quantities of cheddar cheese, animal cookies, Danish pastries and Starbucks coffee.
Now, it is a well-known fact that I am hopelessly addicted to coffee. When the lab techies do a blood test for me, they count red cells, white cells and caffeine molecules. Caffeine outnumbers blood cells by about two to one.
I am addicted to donuts as well, but there were no donuts in my Costco CARE package. Perhaps no donuts were available the day my kids went shopping. Or perhaps they ate the donuts on the road trip from Helena. I try not to think about it, because eating my donuts is a “kill the messenger” offense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But oh, how I love donuts.
In my Costco CARE package there were two cases of Starbucks coffee pods: one Holiday Blend and one Pike Place Roast. It being Thanksgiving and all, I started drinking the Holiday Blend. Since Holiday Blend is a seasonal offering, I was determined to make it last until its “sell by” date in mid-summer of 2018.
How was I to know that the entire spring weather pattern of Dickinson was dependent upon my finishing my case of Starbucks Holiday Blend? By mid-February I was halfway through my case of Holiday. I was trying to conserve it. To make it last. So I restricted myself to only three or four cups a day.
It snowed and snowed in March, as I drank my Holiday Blend. It was cold. Along came April. I still had my Holiday Blend to enjoy, as I looked out at the snow and shivered through the cold nights. Easter morning I drank my Holiday Blend. Easter afternoon we had to leave for Rochester in a hurry, to beat a blizzard.
In late April I lovingly gazed at my last few pods of Holiday Blend, and thought about my frosted tips of tulips in the back yard. And a little light came on in my head: the fewer pods I had left, the warmer the weather became.
Well, who would have guessed that I have been responsible for the cold, late spring? Who would have guessed my gigantor case of Costco Starbucks Holiday Blend could control the weather?
Now I have one pod of Holiday Blend left. I am saving it for Mother’s Day morning. On Mother’s Day afternoon I am planting petunias, because I can personally guarantee that spring will finally be here.