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Jackie Hope: A Super Bowl without Velveeta?!?!?

Were you listening to the news last week? Did you hear there is a shortage of Velveeta? Oh man, this is a disaster waiting to happen. The Super Bowl is in a week and a half, and stores are running low on Velveeta.

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OK, let’s get this into perspective. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH VELVEETA FOR SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!

According to the Los Angeles Times, NBC News,, and other uber-reliable sources, Kraft Foods has confirmed that sticky situation. In fact, the Los Angeles Times is calling it Cheesepocalypse. And they survived “Sharknado” our there in California, so if those guys are calling it a Velveeta apocalypse, then they are talking end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it stuff here, folks.

Here is a direct quote from the Times: “… there is currently limited availability of some Velveeta products. ... We want you to hear directly from us (Kraft Foods) that it’s true — we are experiencing a temporary scarcity of our nation’s most precious commodity: Liquid Gold.” NOOOO!

Kraft is citing “minor manufacturing challenges” as the reason for the shortage. Minor, my fondued foot! California falling off into the ocean would be minor compared to this shortage. Dunn County freezing over would be minor compared to VelveetaGate. No cheesy Ro-Tel dip on Super Bowl Sunday is as bad as, well, as … the power going off in the middle of the Super Bowl. Only worse!

Kraft Foods’ website is trying to smooth over our cracker cravings with their Chicken Fiesta Dip recipe. That one got a whopping 0 likes on Facebook. It uses Kraft Philly instead of Kraft Velly, and the website says it is a “smart game-day option.” Substituting Philly for Velly is about as smart a game-day option as when Favre threw for an interception to end the Vikings’ 2009 season.

Hey, snap! We could substitute mozzarella into our crock pot potpourri, and then we could have a halftime taffy pull with the stuff. Or how about cheddar? It’s no better. It gets so lumpy in a fondue pot, you might as well just toss in some Skippy’s Extra Crunchy Super Chunk instead, and call it good.

And how in the world are we going to have tuna melts if there is nothing to melt onto the tuna? Tuna-mayo melts instead? Oh yeah, there is nothing more mouth-watering than gently-heated Miracle Whip, poured over tuna. Didn’t they serve something like that to us for Friday hot lunches back in third grade?

Know what else? Your Super Bowl chili is going to be limp and drippy. How are you supposed to thicken chili without Velveeta? Man, you don’t want to have to watch your chili-spooning technique while you are watching the game. You need Velveeta to give that heavenly concoction some body, so you can keep your beans in the bowl and your mind on the game. Everybody knows Super Bowl chili has to be so thick and sticky, that you either eat it with a fork or spread it on those super big, shovel-shaped nachos.

Geez, Louise, no cheesy dips, no tuna melts, no slice-it-with-a-knife roadhouse chili — this is sorta trickle-down economics, Velveeta style. The Veeta production slowed down, only a few stores got their cut of the cheese and here we are, waiting for the Liquid Gold to trickle in.

Velveeta seekers, you must become crafty!

Wikipedia says Kraft Foods opened a whopping big cheese processing plant in Tulare, Calif., last year. Yeah, it’s reported by Wikipedia, but what ya gonna do? OK, here’s the deal, see? How about if we get together a convoy of Velveeta Fan Vans and truck out to Tulare, pick up a few cases of Veeta, fresh from the factory, and then caravan — VeetaVan? — them home in time for Super Bowl XLVIII? It would be a coup de fromage!

Psst, in the meantime, I got a mint, in the box, two-pounder of Velveeta in the fridge.

Wanna make me an offer?