Patrick Hope: Jurassic snark
We've all had a lot of fun at the expense of the "Assassin's Creed" series lately, what with the games becoming largely copy-and-paste yearly releases that don't even work correctly and the nonsensical stories. It's all quite fun. Or maybe we mak...
We’ve all had a lot of fun at the expense of the “Assassin’s Creed” series lately, what with the games becoming largely copy-and-paste yearly releases that don’t even work correctly and the nonsensical stories. It’s all quite fun. Or maybe we make fun of them because the 2015 incarnation was announced a whopping three or so weeks after the last set of releases. Ubisoft keeps throwing these softballs and we keep hitting them out of the park.
But this year is going to be different. Thanks to my numerous inside connections, I found out about the “Assassin’s Creed” game coming out in 2017 that will blow your mind. So here’s the scoop on the game that will redefine this entire hobby.
That game is “Assassin’s Creed X: Dinosaur.”
First, this game is not the 10th numbered entry in the series. It’s just the most EXTREME one, and games with “X” in the title tend to sell better, or so I’m told.
“Dinosaur” takes you the farthest back of any “AC” game thus far - all the way to the Cretaceous Period, where you take control of Roy, a young T-Rex and new Assassin. Now, bear in mind that I’ve only seen a very early build, but highlights in this time period include flying around on pteranodons and sparring with a triceratops or two to build up some of your stats. I’m sure it’ll be more fleshed out as the game continued to develop, but it looks really exciting so far!
However, the story of “Dinosaur” is what really hooks you. The Pieces of Eden that populate the series are back, and one of them has fallen into the hands of some Templar velociraptors who want to use it to eliminate Assassin dinos like Roy. However, their plan backfires and somehow they instead manage to summon an asteroid that kind of kills all the dinosaurs except Roy, who is somehow preserved by magic. He then wakes up in World War II. This is where the game really starts.
So, let’s break this down:
Roy becomes a T-Rex Assassin Nazi Hunter, as the Allies and Axis were actually all controlled by the Templars, but Hitler was clearly the most dangerous, and having a massive dinosaur as an ally is kind of huge. Of course, Roy is going to undergo a lot of character development as he adjusts to life 65 million years after his original time period. Also, he’s a dinosaur, so people might notice him. Thankfully, his Assassin training does allow blending in, just like in previous “AC” games. You’ll marvel at how well a dinosaur fits into mid-20th century Europe.
I don’t want to spoil too much here, but like the climactic fistfight with Pope Alexander VI in “Assassin’s Creed II,” you do get a chance at Hitler and it’s a fair fight because Hitler has his own T-Rex for a duel that redefines “epic.” I’ve also heard there’s some planned DLC where Roy joins Easy Company in the 101st for his own take on “Band of Brothers.”
And what “AC” game would be complete without crazy collectibles? This time around, Roy trots around Europe collecting parts for noted Assassin ally Nikola Tesla’s last invention, a massive Tesla coil that straps to Roy’s back and is known as the dino-mo. If you ever wanted to shoot lightning at Nazis while being a stealth T-Rex, this is your big chance! Also, the Wardenclyffe earthquake generator will be available via microtransaction.
Honestly, I was worried about the direction of the series after the disaster that was “Unity,” but I think “Dinosaur” is going to redefine gaming as a medium. Everything is better with dinosaurs, including this column.
Just ask Grimlock.
Hope is a local attorney and video game enthusiast. This game is totally real and he did not make it up for April Fool’s Day at all.