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Trademarking rants is a profitable ploy

Across the country, week in and week out people get a chance to relive Dennis Green's greatest moment as a coach in the form of a Coors Light commercial.

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Across the country, week in and week out people get a chance to relive Dennis Green's greatest moment as a coach in the form of a Coors Light commercial.

Now, they may have to pay a little extra if they want to continue to laugh at the irate coach's meltdown.

As reported by Deadspin last week, Green, the former Arizona Cardinals coach, has trademarked the phrase, "They were who we thought they were."

Apparently, "We let them off the hook" and "Crown their [explicative]" was already taken off the market.

The outburst came during a post game press conference following the Cardinals' collapse against the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football. It signaled the end of Green's second stint as an NFL head coach. He was also a failure in Minnesota.

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Green is not the first NFL coach to flip his lid while the cameras were running, creating memorable phrases. After the depressing column last week that was about the Detroit Lions, who nearly showed me up by collapsing against Dallas, I bring you something a little lighter this week.

Here are the top five phrases that NFL coaches should have trademarked.

5. "You play to win the game."

Now Kansas City Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, then with the Jets, has been known for shooting loudly during press conferences when times were tough with the Jets.

"You play to win the game. You don't play just to play it. That's the great thing about sports. You play to win. I don't care if you have any wins. You play to win."

Someone should replay this speech to the Miami Dolphins. They obviously have not gotten the memo.

4. "Consider yourself sucked."

When Terrell Owens came to the Dallas Cowboys, the ante had been upped on Bill Parcells' sound bites from press conference. Parcells refused to refer to TO by name, often just calling him, "the player."

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This phrase came after the media badgered Parcells on whether or not Owens actually listened to what Parcells said about him to the media.

"He hears everything I say. He can tell me three weeks from now what I said today. He sucks you guys right in so consider yourself sucked."

3. "Diddly poo."

This was our first encounter with the articulate Jim Mora, who at the time was coaching the Saints. This is a farewell address that any president would have been proud to give.

Mora was family friendly at first, but then he went down hill.

"We couldn't do diddly poo offensively ... We [explicative]. In the second half, we [explicative]. We got our [explicative] totally kicked in the second half. It was a [explicative] performance in the second half."

There is more Jim Mora to come.

2. "I'm a man! I'm 40! I'm not a kid!"

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Sounds like a great birthday card or T-shirt, doesn't it?

So Mike Gundy is not an NFL coach but this rant has set him up to someday be a great pro coach, who will hopefully give us another great meltdown.

Gundy's implosion came after he disagreed with Oklahoman columnist Jenni Carlson who ripped one of his athletes in a column.

"That's why I don't read the newspaper, because it's garbage and the editor that let it come out is garbage ... Where are we at in society? Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40! I'm not a kid."

If I were the Oklahoman, I'd trademark the whole garbage comment. Any publicity is good publicity.

1. "Playoffs?"

You've heard on it sports talk radio and on numerous television high-light reels. Next to Vince Lombardi's, "What the hell is going on around here?", Mora's words as coach of the Colts are the most famous in football.

"Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. You kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game."

For videos of all these rants courtesy of YouTube, you can visit my blog at www.areavoices.com/mattwellens . That is also where you can find a breakdown of this week's important games and the rest of my columns for the remainder of the season.

This will be my final NFL column for The Dickinson Press as Friday will be my last day in North Dakota before I start a new job in Wisconsin.

Here are this week's predictions. Thanks for reading and sorry to all of those who lost money stealing these picks. I warned you.

Denver over Houston; Bengals over 49ers; Saints over Cardinals; Titans over Chiefs; Steelers over Jaguars; Ravens over Dolphins; Packers over Rams; Browns over Bills; Patriots over Jets; Seahawks over Panthers; Buccaneers over Falcons; Colts over Raiders; Cowboys over Eagles; Chargers over Lions; Giants over Redskins and Vikings over Bears.

Last week: 14-2

Season: 137-71 (.659)

Matt Wellens is a sports reporter for The Dickinson Press. He can be reached at mwellens@thedickinsonpress.com . Read his blog at www.areavoices.com/mattwellens .

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