If you like a good fight, as I do, then the War on Christmas this year has been a profound disappointment — the equivalent of invading Grenada. Can you believe Clint Eastwood even made a movie about that?
When I learned from my colleague Rob Port that outside agitators were bringing a nativity display to the state capitol, I sprang into action. Just not right away. First, I had to fold laundry, buy groceries and clean the litter box, but when I was finally ready, I learned that the nativity scene was already gone after being up little more than a week.
Maybe they were just passing through. Maybe they were just counting coup. Maybe Bismarck Mayor Steve Bakken made things too uncomfortable by demanding to know how much the Baby Jesus was going to cost. Bakken's committed to taking care of homeless veterans first. I'm not sure how many homeless vets he's having over for Christmas dinner, but break out the folding chairs. Semper Fi.
Clearly, the last thing we need is more outsiders who don't think like we do coming in and voting against us. We've got the legislature for that.
A religious advocacy group and a Chicago legal firm brought the nativity scene to town to pick a fight with church and state separatists because in pastoral North Dakota, we're incapable of generating our own controversies, with one notable exception — Sen. Oley Larsen, R-Minot, who like me, gets most of his information from internet memes.
An honorable mention goes to Libertarian Theologian Thespian Tummy-Tucker Rick Becker, R-Bismarck, who recently posted a video of himself reenacting the fable of the Good Samaritan. In one scene Rep. Becker plays the victim (surprise), bearded and shirtless, groaning and writhing on the floor. At first, I couldn't tell if this was soft-core porn or a Duck Dynasty episode. Nice boobs, though. Anyway, in Dr. Look Good's version of the story, liberals want to help the victim but only if taxpayers foot the bill.
Elsewhere on the Western Front, Port didn't really take a stand on the nativity scene. When it comes to the War on Christmas, he's the equivalent of Sweden. On one hand, he's an atheist, so he doesn’t have a disciple in the fight, but he warned that this could open up a Diet of Worms (Google it, you heathens), and the next thing you know, we'll have Muslims running around during the session, praying at all the infidels. Unless we're willing to pay overtime, we're going to need more Muslims.
I'll guarantee you that right now in Fargo and West Fargo, the Sodom and Gomorrah of the East, radicals are poised to spring into action. Just as soon as they're done folding laundry, picking up groceries, cleaning the litter box and smoking lots of pre-legal recreational marijuana.
So don't be surprised when a coven of Cass County Druids responds to the nativity scene provocation, sets up a shrine to Gozer (Google it, you heathens), and starts performing bloody goat sacrifices in the Great Hall. And you think they're worried about fingerprints on the brass railings now.
Note to self: Stay away from the mystery meat in the cafeteria.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.