If you missed the last End of the World in 2012, it's been rescheduled for June 21, based, as I understand it, on a conversion of the Mayan calendar to the metric system. Now, I can't tell you how many liters there are in an hour, but I can tell you, time is short. So, why spend your last precious kilometers on earth doing paperwork, you wonder? Easy. All entries are automatically entered into a drawing for passage on the next SpaceX flight to anywhere but here.
1. On top of the “To Do” list before the world ends:
a. Max out credit cards
b. Give everything to Joel Osteen.
c. Tell boss how you really feel
2. Reason the protests must stop now:
a. OK, we’ll let you kneel.
b. This is really messing with my tee time.
c. The flu kills more black people than the police.
d. Karen has just about had it with you people.
3. Banned at NASCAR:
a. Stars & Bars
b. Ben & Jerry
c. Cheese & Crackers
4. Great new name for a military institution:
a. Fort Benedict Arnold
b. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg Military Academy
c. Judas Iscariot Air Base
d. Fort Bo and Luke Duke
5. Armed men recently defended Casper, Wyoming against:
a. Unfriendly ghosts
b. The Invisible Man
c. Their own shadows
6. Best way to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic:
a. Sign a waiver before the rally
b. Click ruby slippers three times
c. More good guys with guns
7. What was Rage Against the Machine really raging against?
a. War, tyranny, racism, police brutality, excesses of capitalism, and Karen\u0009
b. Hillary’s emails
8. What did the Supreme Court just accomplish that the North Dakota Legislature failed to do in five attempts?
a. Solve Rubik’s Cube
b. Ban prayers by non-Christians
c. Legalize recreational gayness
d. Make America great again
9. Hundreds of journalists have been arrested, shot with rubber bullets and otherwise assaulted by the police while covering the protests because:
a. No news is good news.
b. According to Trump and Stalin, they are “enemies of the people”
c. “Oops. We were aiming for the fleeing black man behind you.”
d. Journalists keep videoing the wrong photo op.
10. Why do so many military figures and former administration officials oppose Trump?
a. More evidence of the Deep State
b. Reverse psychology
c. Mercury is in retrograde
d. Fake news. If it’s not on Fox, it can’t be true.
Bonus: Tucker Carlson recently warned “they” are coming for you. Who are “they”?
a. He didn’t mean black people, that’s for sure.
b. Absolutely not black people
c. Tucker loves The Blacks
d. None of the above.
Answers: 1. d; 2. c; 3. d; 4. d; 5. a; 6. d; 7. b; 8. c; 9. c; 10. c; Bonus d.
Grading 9-11 correct: Your check from Soros is on its way. 6-8 correct: If the liberals weren’t so busy trying to destroy history, you probably would’ve done better. 3-5 correct: I see conservative talk radio in your future. 0-2 correct: Stick to the teleprompter, pal.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.