Hey homies, it’s your old pal NostraTonus, mystic of the many, seer of all, friend to those who deserve it and some who don’t. It’s time for my predictions for 2021.
How did I do last year you wonder — see what I did there, read your mind? Well, I predicted that Joe Biden would be our new president and that health care would be the most prominent issue of the campaign. Which was sorta right.
But I also predicted that 2020 wouldn’t suck as bad as 2019 and that the Twins would win the World Series. I still haven’t given up hope on the latter and urge Rocco Baldelli not to concede just yet. Rudy’s got this.
Here are my predictions as divined through use of a foggy fish bowl while chanting Matthew McConaughey’s “Wolf of Wall Street” mantra, “Ommmm, bum, bum, bum …”
Might I add, those are rookie numbers. You know who you are.
- During the 2021 North Dakota Legislative session none of the Democrats and half of the Republicans refuse to call Rep. Rick Becker “doctor” until he delivers a baby, or kittens, at least.
- Trump pardons The Grinch.
- North Dakota Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem joins with Texas to make flatulence the national smell. “But it didn’t cost us anything,” he explains.
- U.S Sen. Kevin Cramer baffles linguists by apparently speaking in tongues on national TV: “Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.”
- Trump pardons Boris Badenov.
- NASCAR sets a new record at Daytona with a crowd of 127,000 people and nearly 100 teeth.
- Wild squirrels attack radio talker Scott Hennen because he’s surrounded by more nuts than they are. No squirrels are injured in the melee.
- Astrophysicists discover a black hole residing under Dickinson legislator Luke Simons’ hat.
- Gov. Doug Burgum reinvents wishy-washy. It’s now washy-wishy.
- Trump pardons Hootie but not the Blowfish.
- COVID-18 is an upset winner in the Best COVID of the Red River Valley Contest.
- Secessionists demand acreage be given the vote as our forefathers intended. Three-fifths, at least.
- U.S. Rep. Kelly Armstrong demands the Scales of Justice be recalibrated to measure an ounce of courage.
- Trump pardons Me and You and a Dog Named Boo.
- North Dakotans continue to vote overwhelmingly Republican, giving leaders a mandate to send North Dakota COVID relief dollars to Texas and Ooooklahoma — where the cash comes sweeping down the plain.
- U.S. Sen. John Hoeven emerges from a fetal position under his desk in D.C. to sign a lucrative endorsement deal with Gerber.
- Trump pardons Genghis Khan and his brother Don.
- Ice Fishing is named the Official Sport of COVID-19. The “sport” will also retain the title of Official Sport of Bad Marriages.
- In an unsolved hate crime in the Forum Communications breakroom, conservative columnist Mike Hulett is beaten senseless. (“That didn’t take long, an assailant is heard muttering.”) All investigators can confirm is that Hulett’s colleague, Mike McFeely, emerged from scrum with the last carton of chocolate milk. Bette Grande is shaken but not stirred by the incident. She’s later treated and released with “a case of the vapors.”
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.