I had the displeasure once of briefly working for a company in which management referred to naive customers as mullets, an easily caught fish. It's also a hairstyle that's inexplicably making a comeback. Personally, if I'm going retro, it's going to be full-on Flock of Seagulls.

I don't know what became of that company but I suspect they now do marketing for Republicans, manufacturing crises such as critical race theory in which godless liberals teach school children about actual American history, including slavery, Manifest Destiny, and the systemic discrimination we have today — redlining, voter suppression, and inequities in the judicial system.

I imagine Republican strategists in action: “OK, how do we sell this racism to our racist base without making it sound racist?”

A hand shoots up. “I know, I know! Let's make it about patriotism — that it's un-American to teach kids that America makes mistakes. Heck, if we admitted to mistakes, we'd have to fix them! Who's got time for that? We've got more mistakes to make!”

The television blares: “We interrupt this program to announce that former Bush Defense Secretary and Iraq War architect Donald Rumsfeld, who used the false premise of WMDs to invade Baghdad, has died.”

Newsletter signup for email alerts

“A moment of silence,” the chairman declares. A half-second elapses. “A good man. God rest his soul or whatever. Say, Mr. Vice Chairman, what was our take on that marketing campaign?”

“I'm your father, Luke.”

A much longer moment of silence ensues.

Meanwhile, in South Dakota, the avaricious Gov. Kristi Numb, who's railed about critical race theory, because everyone knows we did the Sioux a favor, is posturing to raise her profile for the 2024 presidential nomination, which she absolutely, unequivocally would not accept because she's too busy defending South Dakota's borders from caravans of Guatemalans, and I ask you, have you seen any caravans? Other than Hell's Angels in August? The woman gets things done.

The Stepford Governor has announced she's sending 50 National Guard soldiers to the southern border. “Won't that be expensive?” the last true conservative in South Dakota wondered. “Shut up, RINO,” someone said, and quickly stuffed another roofie into the man's mouth.


Actually, a Tennessee gazillionaire, whose business is auctioning off wrecked cars, and, yes, there’s a metaphor in there somewhere, has promised to foot the bill. We should also note that Richie Rich supports a Numb presidency. But before we go any further, let me warn you that I'll fight anyone who claims that most of his profits come from selling babies to Democratic elites.

It appears that noncandidate Numb has turned American soldiers into mercenaries. Or have they just become a rich man's security detail? Kinda like Elvis and the Memphis Mafia.

Details, schmetails, this is (white) America we're fighting for. The rubes will love it. The last thing we need is refugees fleeing their destitute, lawless, corrupt country for our wealthy, lawless, corrupt country.

“Agreed,” said Bill Cosby, who stands as a shining example of America's nonracism and enlightened judicial system, as long as you have enough money and an adequate supply of Rohypnol and pudding.

Perhaps though, there could be a compromise. Just for show, mind you, to make folks believe that Republicans are not just soulless, win-at-any-cost fascists, willing to do anything to keep the mullets hooked. We could let the babies in.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.