Alright, slackers. Time for the Official Tony Bender Back to School Quiz. No more lollygagging, dilly-dallying, malingering, or other “ings.”

We’re remote-quizzing, today — you know, because of the 'Rona. Eyes straight ahead. And if you’ve been vaccinated, you realize we’re watching you. (Really? You thought plaids and stripes would go together?) OK, let's get to work.

1. If you’ve been watching Fox News you know the world is going to hell in a:

  • a. Handbasket
  • b. Handmaid’s Tale
  • c. 1952 Nash Rambler
  • d. Hurry

2. What Republicans are saying about Afghanistan:

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  • a. Dang, we almost had ‘em!
  • b. I was for it before I was against it.
  • c. You know, when it comes to the womenfolk, the Taliban have some good ideas.
  • d. The Afghanis are coming for your jobs and welfare.

3. What did Andrew Cuomo do that was so terrible?

  • a. Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
  • b. Shot the sheriff, but did not shoot the deputy, thereby leaving a witness.
  • c. Mistaken impression that chicks dig him.
  • d. I dunno. We’re checking with Trump on this.

4. South Dakota just saw the nation’s largest two-week COVID surge because:

  • a. Just a coincidence.
  • b. They're competitive.
  • c. Look, squirrel!
  • d. Hoax.

5. Why did Gov. Kristi Noem ride a horse through the streets of Sturgis, South Dakota?

  • a. Someone else will clean up the mess.
  • b. It was her first rodeo.
  • c. Hoping horse would lead her to sanity.
  • d. Acid flashback to past life as Joan of Wayne.

6. GM has recalled all Chevy Volts because:

  • a. Not because their gas tanks explode, that's for sure.
  • b. Coal is the answer.
  • c. You’ve seen “Christine” haven’t you?
  • d. Climate change-related Volt fires.

7. North Dakota Sens. John Hoeven and Kevin Cramer sided with Democrats on the infrastructure bill because:

  • a. They’re great Americans.
  • b. Got caught up in a “Hold my beer!” moment.
  • c. Zigged when they should have zagged.
  • d. Desperate pleas for attention.

8. Fargo Commissioner Tony Gehrig has been in the news recently for:

  • a. Encouraging Commissioner Dave Piepkorn to learn sign language.
  • b. Unceremonious exit from local watering hole.
  • c. Shot a man in Horace just to watch him die. But did not shoot the deputy.
  • d. His people skills.

9. A really great band name:

  • a. Post Traumatic Fungus Syndrome
  • b. Josie and the Pussy Hats
  • c. Panic! At the Drive-Through
  • d. Lenin Twitches

10. Conservative talk radio ratings have plummeted in Fargo because:

  • a. So few Americans fluent in jibber-jabber.
  • b. The same people who tally COVID deaths did the survey.
  • c. God's will.
  • d. Clearly the election was stolen.

Bonus: What’s my favorite color?

  • a. Blue
  • b. Pinko
  • c. Bananarama
  • d. Dirt

OK, smarty pants, let’s see how you fared. Answers: 1. b; 2. a; 3. d; 4. c; 5. b; 6. a; 7. a; 8. c; 9. b; 10. a; BONUS: Wrong! It’s Viridian. A true fan would have known that.

Grading: 11-9 correct: I've become too predictable. 6-8 correct: Smarter than the average bear. 3-5 correct: You’re no Tony Gehrig. I knew Tony Gehrig. Tony Gehrig was a friend of mine (until today). And you’re no Tony Gehrig.

0-2 correct: The mask goes over the nose.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.

Correction Aug. 25: Fargo Commissioner Tony Gehrig's name was wrong in an earlier version of this story. It has been corrected.