Bender: Legislating for Jesus

"The North Dakota Legislature works in mysterious ways."

Tony Bender

Sen. Janne Myrdal's gonna force women to give birth.

In the name of Jesus.

True, there's a six-week window in which the pregnancy could be terminated — fleeting Christian compassion — but a child who only recently started menstruating won't know in 40 days and 40 nights that her life's been forever altered.

Mandated pregnancy. By the state.

Several years and four suicide attempts later, when this single mother's scraping by on SNAP, struggling to support her mandated baby because she can't find, let alone afford, day care, she'll be ostracized by Myrdal Republicans as a mooch.


Tough love. In the name of Jesus.

For many victims of criminal behavior, legislative or otherwise, Plan B is suicide.

But there's good news. Libraries are hiring! Most ex-librarians, those tawdry purveyors of filth, are doing hard time thanks to Rep. Mike Lefor and Sen. Todd Beard. Censorship for Christ! Ban National Geographic! Burn sex-ed books and ensure more mandatory teen pregnancies!

What they don't know won't hurt them. That's Janna's job.

And, hallelujah, an unexpected benefit! It's a boon for adult bookstores. They're no longer in direct competition with libraries. Hey, it's more economic development than the state worker recruitment program's managed.

The Legislature works in mysterious ways.

Ecclesiastes says to everything there is a season. Well, it's open season on LGBTQ North Dakotans. There are two dozen bilious bills, part of the Republican crusade to ostracize and crush anyone who's different.

They're forcing their personal religious beliefs down the public's throats. A doctrine of hate.


Now, the congregation WILL rise and sing ...

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the coming of the queers,

We're tramping out the bathrooms where the kitty litter's stored,

OUR truth is marching on!

God told them to keep sub-citizens in their place and maintain transgender bathroom crime levels where they are now. At zero. Well below that of the clergy. But at least they know their legal pronouns.

You'd think we could pray away the gay. But if that worked, the diocese would've done it by now.

Yes, give me that old time religion! And we mean give. Two bills would divert public tax dollars to fund private religious instruction. Unless it's a madrasa, we presume.

Unconstitutional? Separation of church and state? Is that even still a thing?


Meanwhile, with the emphasis on “mean,” Rep. Lori VanWinkle, who favors slacks, is calling crossdressers “perverts.” She's defending kids from parental decisions and drag shows and anywhere else where you'd have to pay a cover charge to be offended.

Apparently, the North Dakota Nanny State's as close as we'll get to solving the day care dilemma.

Finally, as everyone knows, vaccines killed 2,500 North Dakotans during the fake pandemic and turned the rest of us gay, so there's a bill to ban coronavirus vaccines. Sens. David Clemens and Jeff Magrum, and Reps. Jeff Hoverson and Scott Dyk hatched the plan at the Bad Ideas Club, aka, the 68th Legislative Assembly.

A plumber, a preacher, a trucker, and a litter box researcher walk into a Legislature …

Maybe these health care savants do know better than immunologists, but the last thing we need is more out-of-work doctors. Heck, half the obstetricians in the state are already headed for prison.

He/She/They should stay in His/Her/Their lane.

Opinion by Tony Bender
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.
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