One of the most satisfying things in life is to give other people advice, even if they don't need it and even if they are not your spouse -- especially not that, because giving advice to a spouse is futile. Ask my wife if you don't believe this.
In my line of work, we advise politicians and the government what to do all the time, which also tends to be a waste of time. But we do it because it is fun and helps fill up the newspaper.
But it's more fun to give advice to young people. For one thing, they are young, which is most irritating of them. It makes them prime candidates for being told what to do by anyone over age 40.
Young people graduating from high school or college have been given advice lately by speakers in various stages of antiquity. The graduates have already forgotten this seasonal advice. If the speaker was a traditionalist, the advice had to do with two roads diverging in a yellow wood and one less traveled by.
What does this mean? Nobody knows or cares. The best road to take is always the one less orange-construction-coned by. The color of the wood is irrelevant, and don't let anybody called Robert Frost tell you different.
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That is why graduation speakers often are forgotten in the time it takes for the students to leave the hall and shout the magic word, "Party!" You see, traditional advice does not venture into those areas young people are concerned about, such as, "Is beer pong an actual Olympic sport?" (Answer: No, but beach volleyball is in the Olympics, so anything is possible.) Into this void comes the untraditional advice giver (that would be me). Listen up, young people. Now you will hear what your graduation speaker never told you.
Some of you may ask about my credentials for giving this advice. I will overlook your impertinence just this once to answer.
Credentials? Besides being over 40 and then some, I am a member of a generation that has bequeathed to you a world full of woe -- widespread wars, a ruined climate, widespread denial of a ruined climate, a poisoned environment, a politics suitable for oafs, mountainous debt, a shortage of jobs, encroachment on freedom in the name of security, and talk radio with the greatest collection of gas bags since the era of the zeppelin.
Who wouldn't want to take advice from such a person? So read the following and weep:
-- There is no such thing as safe sex. You can employ a full-body prophylactic with only your ears exposed and you are still not safe. In every human endeavor, it is always possible for feelings to become involved, including empathy, sensitivity, understanding and respect.
In the most extreme cases, unwitting romance can lead to mutual readings of Robert Frost and other poets by candlelight, or the afflicted couple can attend truly awful concerts and look at each other -- not with disgust as normal people would but with big soulful eyes like contented cows eating their cud. The inevitable result is a future meeting with dorky older people (his or her parents).
-- Enjoy yourself while you are young and don't sleep in all the time -- you only have that wrinkle-free body once and then gravity has its way with you. The work of gravity is done by little elves who live under your bed and come out unseen at night to swing on any body part that can be stretched. In time, you become a proper picture of ruin according to nature's plan. But enough about me.
-- Do not be jolly in the morning. This is an offense against good manners. Do not be grumpy after 10 a.m.
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-- If your politics makes you grumpy and mean all day, find another sort of politics.
-- If your religion leads you to hateful feelings contrary to its teachings, find another religion.
-- If you do not have anything good to say about anyone, do not say anything -- or else start a blog.
-- Develop a sense of humor. In a bitterly divided world, a sane person is left with only two choices: to laugh or to cry, and if you choose the latter your Kleenex bill is going to be huge. Remember that leg pulling is not just for chiropractors anymore.
-- If you ignore all advice and get married, remember to advise your partner at every opportunity. Of course, it's a waste of time, but it's fun and fills up the marriage.
Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
